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STARRING gary busey, corey haim, megan fellows
Qs: 9. AR: SSSSSSSSSS
N 0:03:21. A man discovers some unusual footprints alongside the railroad tracks, but doesn’t get much time to dwell on them before his head is knocked off his shoulders. His untimely death was ruled an accident as he was the unofficial town drunk and so they figured he passed out on the track and a train decapitated him. We get another shot of the fly-covered head shortly. SR: SSSSS
N 0:12:22. A young vic takes her last look at herself before being clawed to shreds and left bleeding out on her bed for her sainted mother to find. SR: SSSSS
N 0:24:54. Tammy’s father goes down in his own greenhouse, impaled by a broken floorboard. SR: SSSSS
N 0:38:16. Getting your leg caught in a bear trap is a real pain, don’t you think? SR: SSSSS
N 0:55:35. Big, hairy werewolf feet. That’s not all; I just thought I’d let you know about it. Soon after, Marty fires a bottle rocket right into the beast’s left eye, a rather nasty wound. SR: SSSSS
N 1:19:06. The man who’s the werewolf starts to transform before an imminent victim, being smashed in the skull by the Peacemaker, something like a cricket bat. The energy and the bloody splat from the strike earn the two-drop. SR: SSSSS
N 1:29:42. Marty lines up to send the titular Silver Bullet home, straight into the beast’s head. He reels and collapses in the corner where his pronounced chest starts to shrink and become human, his hairy wolf feet start to shorten, his forepaws become hands and he regresses to his former self – with gruesome wounds to both eyes. SR: SSSSS
(recut, extended and unrated)
YEAR 2004 directed by frank miller, robert rodriguez, (quentin tarantino)
STARRING bruce willis, mickey rourke, elijah wood
Qs: 17. AR: SSSSSSSSSS
N The current information is from the original DVD release and not the Un-rated Edition, but rest assured I will update this listing as soon as I get a copy. J
N 0:10:40. Hartigan shoots off Roark’s left ear, dropping him to the pier. He then walks up to him and blows his left hand off, the one holding the gun on him. Unfortunately for Hartigan, Bob comes up behind him and shoots him several times in the back. SR: SSSSS
N 0:29:59. Marv gets in a hatchet battle (not much of a battle, really, when you have a hatchet). Amidst a wild firestorm about him during which Lucille is drilled at close range with an automatic and many officers are shot up like nothing else, Marv catches a man in the gut and knocks a few others out and shatters the helmet of another, burying the blade in his head. He slits the throat of another with the same before hacking him up. SR: SSSSS
N 0:37:14. Marv and Kevin in their second encounter make things more interesting than the first. Kevin claws Marv again, this time on the right forearm and kicks him around for a bit before Marv latches on the cuffs. The spring-heeled Kevin isn’t a jumping bean anymore. Confused by the atypical turn of events, he merely stares in disbelief while Marv punches him so hard that blood flies from his mouth in a rather large spurt. SR: SSSSS
N 0:38:35. Here we see what’s left of Kevin’s body: a torso and a head with an irrepressible sense of smugness in his face. His legs have been removed just above the knees and his arms at the shoulders, his stump having been tied to a tree to keep him still while he waits on the wolf. The animal chews on him for a while and Marv finishes the job by sawing off his head. SR: SSSSS
N 0:43:30. When the cops burst in and shoot up Marv, a scene follows with doctors in blood-soaked surgical wear with red gauze in clamps, doing their best to save him. SR: SSSSS
N 0:46:30. Marv’s electrocuted – twice – for his crimes, those he did and didn’t commit. Blood pours from his lips the first time – when they strike it again, he gives up the ghost. SR: SSSSS
N 1:00:20. Miho wings a swastika-shaped throwing star and slices off Jackie’s hand in a clean slice, the severed hand falling to the ground, the gun still gripped tight. While the stump spurts blood all over the place, Miho leaps on top the car and stabs one man through the back of his head and out his mouth with one of her blades, jamming the other directly in a man’s right eye and presumably deeper. Before the dude in the passenger seat gets a second to thinking about escaping, Miho lops his head off fast and easy, the separated skull bouncing across the road like a basketball. Crawling over to his severed hand, Jackie pulls the stiff fingers away from the weapon with his teeth, holding the freed gun on the eminently dangerous Miho. When the siren jams the barrel of his gun, Jackie stubbornly fires it anyway – as expected, the slide flies off backwards into his forehead. Slashing through his neck, not all the way, a spurt of blood splashes Miho’s face, the last her victim had to shed. SR: SSSSS
N 1:08:51. Jackie’s head lolls back, his neck opening up where Miho slashed him. SR: SSSSS
N 1:16:38. We see the heads of two of the men sent to take Jackie Boy’s head with arrows sticking out of theirs, right through their eyes. SR: SSSSS
N 1:18:17. Miho leaps high, throws her swastika and lops the top of a man’s head off, right above the eyes, guns blazing as he goes down. SR: SSSSS
N 1:22:03. Gail takes a hearty bite out of Becky’s neck, spitting the bloody chunk of flesh out, clearly having enjoyed the experience. SR: SSSSS
N 1:22:28. Miho shoots Stuka through the chest, straight through, amazingly and mystifyingly to no effect at all. Later when she shoots him in the head, that seems to get his attention. SR: SSSSS
N 1:24:37. McCarthy has a trick up his sleeve. When he hands over Jackie’s head, an astutely observant Becky notices there’s tape over his mouth. Everyone later finds out that was because he planted explosives therein, the head going splat when he detonates it with one of the Irishman’s grenades and handy little remote. SR: SSSSS
N 1:24:53. Every girl in Old Town shows up along with Gail and McCarthy, every one of them armed with fearless automatics. Simply thousands of bullets fly as the body count quickly rises, the slaughter a signal message to the boys who would mess with them. SR: SSSSS
N 1:30:08. Hartigan gets the daylights beaten out of him, his face smashed into repeatedly, this way and that, red staining his shirt and streaking his skin. SR: SSSSS
N 1:33:55. Hartigan opens an envelope a bizarre, fetid, yellow-skinned creature left in his cell. It contains “something that ought to be alive, a hunk of meat and bone” that he later identifies as Nancy’s right index finger. SR: SSSSS
N 1:53:23. Hartigan jams Roark (yep, that’s him, the yellow creep) in the gut with a strong blade before reaching into him and ripping something close to him out. Then he punches him full-force in the head exactly a dozen times until there’s nothing left but a splatter of yellow blood and “wet chunks of bone,” his ghoulish looks having been thoroughly smashed to bits. SR: SSSSS
N I was sure this film was going to be an especially difficult one to draw up and to a degree it was, but it wasn’t the battle I figured. Done impressively stylistically in comic book fashion, the medium through which the movie descended, much of the violence is “dry,” i.e., no graphic blood and guts but many times when there is, it’s represented by only blotches of pure white which, considering the surroundings, are quite easy to identify as blood. Much when Roark finally dies is an unusual mustard-yellow, a strange color, but unmistakable blood. A lot however during the course of the brutality and constant violence is its true red, such color being used more so for ordinary red objects like dresses or lipstick than blood but now and again turning up in its proper place.
N Even with the foregoing clarification and its effect on particular scene ratings, the AR of the film, which was a mathematical 7.8 that rounds to an 8, is bumped to a 10, the full extent of the scale, due to numerous unspecified scenes, a digest of which follows, and the pervasive sense of extreme hostility, vengefulness and physical violence and the general ideas of much of what is being done.
N Some of the scenes left out include: a stump of a woman’s arm with an attendant message that Kevin made her watch while he sucked the flesh from her fingers; repeated collisions by a speeding car driven by Goldie’s twin sister Wendy into Mark whom she thought killed her; a hit to the face with a sledgehammer; twisted and broken necks; Dwight slamming his car to a stop and jamming the gun slide further into Jackie’s head that he later shoots through to a target on the other side and a gruesome gunfight later for said head.
YEAR 2004 committed by gabriel bartalos
INFESTED WITH FORREST J. ACKERMAN, ERIC BENNETT, KAROLINE BRANDT
Qs: 10. AR: SSSSSSSSSS
N 0:19:08. The man with what looks like a bear trap on his face whips out a blade reminiscent of Batman and slices mommy dearest’s throat several times, blood flying everywhere while the poor woman reels from the savage attack. Shortly after, 0:20:07, pappy gets it. SR: SSSSS
N 0:22:30. Matthew gets sliced in half vertically by the bear-trap guy. SR: SSSSS
N 0:26:30. Tina is offered finger-food by the Brain. SR: SSSSS
N 0:54:38. Fat boy gets his gut slit open; another is almost eviscerated on the spot; another fat guy, the passenger in the besieged truck, gets the blade in the neck and at 0:58:03, when bear-trap guy catches up to fat guy #3 (the driver), bear-trap guy bites off several of fat guy #3’s fingers while drowning him in a peaceful lake. SR: SSSSS
N This has got to be one of the most painfully insipid piles of garbage ever put together. Random rant complete – now on with your regularly scheduled gore.
N 1:05:30. Brain (Brian – whatever, I don’t care) confesses he can’t stop killing and so Tina rips out a chunk of his inordinately large, bulbous brain. Antifreeze leaks from the site and the abomination opens like a flower and…children’s blocks come crawling out! Some crawl over to her (I’m not making any of this up) forming l-o-v-e. How sweet. She stamps on them and they form…h-a-t-e. What a simple-minded, asinine exercise in stupidity and incompetence. SR: SSSSS
N 1:11:04. “Give war a chance” gets his hand blown off by an incendiary peace sign (groan.) Two others, who left the things on their foreheads, get their noggins blasted into dog chow, the second doing what everyone thus far in this shameless and shameful circus have been doing all along: running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Dying is the best thing to happen to this cast of miserable characters; it’s more humane than letting them putter about. A fourth is killed with a plate to the face (I’ve run out of snide remarks, so I’ll simply let this one pass while I reload). SR: SSSSS
N The dialogue is inane; the characters simply stupid, the situations are as logical as picking your nose with a fire poker and the whole meaningless adventure is a true test of will to sit through. However I am a man, a strong man, and I will make it – even if I chew my tongue to bits trying not to scream out for mercy at the sheer lack of compassion for this mess’s audience. It’s an inexcusable, disorganized, hapless miscellany of half-baked ideas. The end can’t be too soon.
N 1:15:48. Feel free to replay this scene until the disk is marred – I know I did. One of the oldest people ever to walk the earth takes one of the imp’s plates and knocks him hard across the jaw, blood being spit everywhere. Take liberties with re-watching this: bam, spit! Bam, spit! Bam, spit! Repeat as desired. When you get your fill of watching Mini-Me get his teeth knocked out (which may take a while), press on as Methuselah pounds the shrimp to a pulp before ripping his pontificating, mutant head off his freak little body, good red blood pouring out. As the crusty fossil kicks the disembodied head for distance, it screams (!!!), most likely because it’s had enough of this twaddle, and splats on the windshield of a truck driven by inbred morons. SR: SSSSS
N 1:17:48. Organs of various sorts are placed all about the room, housed in display cases cozened with gallons of rich, infected snot. It’s wishful thinking to propose that it’s the director and his close family chopped up and featured in said cases, but I can dream… SR: SSSSS
N It wants to be Total Recall. It wants to be Texas Chainsaw Massacre, badly. It wants to be so many things and yet is nothing. Hang on, please. You can do it. It may not be as fun as gouging out your eyes with letter openers or wiping yourself with industrial-grade sandpaper, but you can make it.
N 1:20:30. We were treated only to glimpses through more mucous-encrusted, organ-bearing boxes, but here we get a full view of a body simply ripped to shreds, cut up like an anatomy lesson, organs, blood, gore and interior body parts bared for all. The highlight of the film. SR: SSSSS
N Keep telling yourself: in the inevitability of time this will end. Be patient, my friends. Also, try to comprehend this fact: somebody paid for this! I don’t mean to see it, though that’s unthinkable (I rented it), I mean people forked over money so this idiot with a camera could make his stupid movie. They must have been just as mentally infirmed as ol’ Gabe was.
N 1:21:23. Tina rips Granny’s umbilical cord while she fuels up (“yes, I do need this,” she declares flatly with no believability at all). As she continues to be deprived of her nutrients (or whatever), she starts to break down into jellies of various colors, all the while emitting glorious screaming, perfect retribution for the steaming pile of scat she foisted on us. So, while she dies and the headless bodybuilder rambles about conquest and all, some travesty of nature thing flies from its chest and attacks her, thrown off into another organ case. During this, watch for real footage of a rat getting its neck snapped in a trap, twitching and writhing as it dies. SR: SSSSS
N This retched heap of refuse finally peters out. If you withstood this, several of the gems of tastefulness and maturity you were treated to were: a woman vomiting toward camera; a naked man in all his unclothed glory romping through NY and mindless, nerve-shredding, skull-shattering shrill screaming throughout the entire run of the closing credits. As if what went before wasn’t bad enough.
N It’s a personal belief that a bad movie starts with a bad idea. The idea here, apparently, was to make as little sense as possible and upset more people than John Waters. Skinned Deep is a putrid, godforsaken pile of pus and excrement. As I always like to say, I’m no Roger Ebert but I’ve seen a lot and this 1.5hr + mistake undisputedly wins the joint awards of stupidest movie I’ve ever seen and worst movie ever made. In closing, I confess I have never complained so caustically about one movie in my entire life save Carnivore (from which garbage this monstrosity steals both aforementioned awards, hands down), which came close and for a time reigned supreme. Only this trumps it and that’s really saying a lot. Speaking of saying a lot, there is abundantly more abuse I can flog this idiocy with, but I’m tired, so I’ll give up now.
N I hope you enjoyed my red-hot, cold-hearted tirade against a true marvel, something with so little to say and to be that I stand in awe of it. Thanks for putting up with me. I really mean it.
YEAR 1983 directed by robert hiltzik
STARRING felissa rose, jonathan teirsten, karen fields
Qs: 9. AR: SSSSSSSSSS
N 0:05:29. It’s dry but nonetheless worth mentioning. Three teens out screwing around on a speedboat accidentally run over a guy whose boat just capsized. SR: SSSSS
N 0:18:55. Little hands pull the chair from under the lecherous head chef, causing a large container of boiling hot water to spill on him. Much screaming and horribly blistered flesh follows. SR: SSSSS
N 0:35:35. Kenny’s drowned corpse complete with snake in the mouth. SR: SSSSS
N 0:49:49. A guy taking a “wicked dump” gets killed in a curious way: little hands slice open the screen (after blocking the doors) and drop a bee’s nest inside. The poor sap gets stung countless times, the insects swarming all over what used to be his face. SR: SSSSS
N 1:03:35. A small hand stabs Miss Priss (Meg) to death while in the shower. SR: SSSSS
N 1:10:00. Meg’s slit-backed body falls out of the shower (took a while, didn’t it?) SR: SSSSS
N 1:12:41. Random body parts. SR: SSSSS
N 1:15:23. A quick, dry, arrow shot through the neck. SR: SSSSS
N 1:18:34. Things get really weird down by the lake and Angela has something she wants to show us that she’s kept hidden for a long time. SR: SSSSS
YEAR 1988 directed by michael a. simpson
STARRING pamela springsteen, renee estevez, tony higgins
Qs: 7. AR: SSSSSSSSSS
N 0:04:50. Angela gets upset immediately with an insubordinate, contentious camper. After whacking her upside the head with a thick tree limb, she cuts out her tongue. SR: SSSSS
N 0:19:10. It’s dry, but worth a mention. The famous doper sisters meet Angela and, like most who cross her path, don’t make it out the other side. One wakes up to the blackened, crispy skeleton of her sibling before she too is set on fire and left to burn to death. SR: SSSSS
N 0:26:30. It’s fast, but it’s there. Angie drills Mare with an inch-wide spade bit. SR: SSSSS
N 0:36:22. The acting’s terrible, but there is a death to report. One of the guys who hatched a joint scheme to terrify Angela gets his throat slit by his own Freddy-type blades. SR: SSSSS
N 0:46:58. You know you wanted to see her get it – and she does. Angela fakes Ally out and then stabs her twice between her shoulders. After that, she’s shoved headfirst into an outhouse crawling with leeches and loaded with… SR: SSSSS
N 1:02:21. You ever wonder where Angela was storing the corpses of her victims? Well, we’ve never seen inside the abandoned cabin… SR: SSSSS
N 1:13:00. The body count starts to rise at a clip – one of the counselors discovers the two boys who were busy taking pictures of people earlier, tied to the side of the cabin, deceased; when she dashes into the next cabin to tell John, she finds him with his left hand cut from his wrist and blood soaking into his shirt around his neck and not far from him, T.C hung and stabbed. She later gets a blade inserted into her and twisted to ensure the wound is nice and gaping. SR: SSSSS
YEAR 1992 directed by mick garris
STARRING brian krause, madchen amick, alice krige
Qs: 6. AR: SSSSSSSSSS
N 0:01:30. Somebody sure doesn’t like cats – dozens of the animals are strung up by their tails and dangle from trees all over the property. Some are skinned, some torn open and some simply torn in two, flies buzzing around the fresh meat. Inside, there’s a bit of blood smeared on one wall and another destroyed cat on the floor. SR: SSSSS
N 0:06:38. Charles carves a T in his left arm for his beloved Tanya. SR: SSSSS
N 0:29:00. Charles lends Mr. Fallows a hand – his own, after wrenching it off at the wrist. SR: SSSSS
N 0:53:46. Tanya stabs out Charles’s left eye with a corkscrew. SR: SSSSS
N 1:00:05. Who’s the caretaker? Yep.
N 1:13:26. Ever seen someone stabbed to death with an ear of corn? Now you have. SR: | 
