N   0:10:59.  The girls creep around Jacob and Anna’s bakery and find two hands gripped on the ends of a rolling pin, the stumps “like cauterized.”  SR: SSSSS

N   0:12:09.  Just keep telling yourself “it’s just a bundt cake.”  Well, the girls kept telling themselves this and discovered when the heads of ma and pa kettle fell out that no, it was not just a bundt cake in that oven.  J  SR: SSSSS

N   0:20:20.  JFF: The headlines visible on the magazine “Wide World News” are at top: DEMONS ESCAPE FROM THE INTERNET; below the title: BILLIONAIRE PAYS $40 MILLION RANSOM FOR HIS KIDNAPPED CAT; beside the title: EARTH WILL EVAPORATE DECEMBER 1999!; beneath the cat story: I DATED BIGFOOT (He was extremely shy) SEE PAGE 7; beneath that: PREHISTORIC ALLIGATOR FOUND IN BIG CITY SEWERS and finally DOG BOY WEDS CAT WOMAN (PAGE 10).

N   0:25:23.  Wonder where the lipstick tube that wrote the message about Flyte was?  With the hand that used it, naturally.  SR: SSSSS

N   0:33:26.  In a cunning sequence of editing prowess, several shots of silhouetted mountain ranges gradually change into Stu’s face in profile – stripped clean.  Bloody teeth are in a permanent smile, his eyes are nowhere to be found and as Dr. Pailey describes, the moth from Hell that crashed the party earlier ate his entire brain in just a few seconds.  SR: SSSSS

N   0:49:34.  The brass researches the phenomena going on about town, eventually reaching the house of Dr. Jennifer Pailey whom are heroes found dead at the onset.  Some green, algae type substance is plucked from her fingernails and a deep, bloody incision is made on her thigh.  SR: SSSSS

N   0:56:18.  A seemingly normal dog enters the building where are heroes are through shut doors (which evidently nobody noticed.)  A horrible alien thing rises out of it and starts sucking the faces off of everyone in sight.  SR: SSSSS

N   0:58:43.  Something looking like oil seeps up through the solid asphalt beneath Copperfield’s protective suit, eventually filling it up to the helmet.  When the debris clears, he’s superficially untouched.  Even the firmest suspicions that things might still be O.K. were dashed when he pulls his sickest trick and extracts a rather large piece of the hard plastic from his faceplate out of his mouth, spat something looking vaguely like maggots on it and then watched as it reformed into a small amphibian.  SR: SSSSS

N   1:24:00.  The ladies indeed will shoot at an unarmed man, and blast his legs clean off.  He, of course, will sit there smugly and grow mass numbers of tentacles and sundry other things from the stump creating means by which he can drag himself along toward our heroines.  SR: SSSSS

N   1:26:39.  Pop…goes the head.  A rifle blast erases the head from the Stu incarnation of the creature, not stopping it from emerging with something that looks like an exotic, otherworldly flower which is summarily blasted to pieces itself.  SR: SSSSS

YEAR 1982 directed by juan piquer simón

STARRING christopher george, lynda day george, frank braña

Qs: 9.  AR: SSSSSSSSSS

N       0:02:01.  It’s very cheesy looking and the sound doesn’t sync, but watching a young child who was just busted for putting together a jigsaw puzzle of a nude woman axe his mother in the head four times is sobering.  Blood runs all down her face and splatters the doors and walls, but it doesn’t seem to make any difference to him.  Going into her with a handsaw before calmly putting the rest of the jigsaw together, the child waits while police sirens blare.  The child hides when they burst in, one of the officers finding her head in the closet soon after.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:09:10.  Our faceless child murder has grown up now and has taken to power tools, namely a chainsaw, to remove the head of a college student, the corpse spurting blood and trailing tissue from the open neck.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:23:15.  Discovering his chainsaw covered in blood and a pile of severed parts at poolside, the tree guy puts up quite a fight with police who, naturally, suspect him.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:44:40.  At this point, even the slowest of viewers would gather what’s going on: the killer, as he puts certain pieces of his original nude picture together, those are the parts he plans on harvesting from his next victim.  This one, a dance student, is caught practicing alone one evening and stalked to an elevator.  There, the killer stops it and severs her right arm first, blood squirting all inside the car, before moving on to her left.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:45:43.  A student who heard the carnage while it was in progress and two policemen find what was left of the poor girl in the elevator, arms missing and blood simply everywhere.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:55:40.  Our latest victim is chased onto a waterbed where she’s stabbed six times (the last going through her head, the blade sticking out of her mouth), puncturing the seal on the bed and turning the water a ghoulish red along the way.  SR: SSSSS

N       1:01:30.  Our fifth victim this evening is (was) a tennis player who just finished showering up after a strenuous practice session.  Strategically choosing the time to be exactly during band practice so no one could hear the running saw in the middle of the day, the killer corners her in a bathroom stall and saws her in half, blood spraying across the tile.  SR: SSSSS

N       1:04:04.  Ms. Riggs comes upon the hacked-up body of the tennis player.  She’s crumpled up in the corner where he sliced her, minus legs.  Blood is quite literally all over the place, covering the floor a dark, deep red and splattered in great quantities on the walls and toilet.  SR: SSSSS

N       1:24:03.  In a final moment of bizarre bloodthirstiness, the patchwork woman the killer was putting together reaches up and, there’s no polite way to say this, grabs Kendall by the testicles and tears deep into his thighs before ripping his manhood off entirely.  We don’t see any genitalia, but we see a substantial quantity of blood pouring from the site.  SR: SSSSS

unrated director’s cut

YEAR 1999 directed by david twohy

STARRING vin diesel, radha mitchell, cole hauser

Qs: 8.  AR: SSSSSSSSSS

N       .  Somebody who thought he was the only one to survive gets blasted in three places, mistaken for the escaped and at large Riddick.  SR: SSSSS

N       .  Zeke the gravedigger gets snatched and virtually eaten alive.  SR: SSSSS

N       .  Carolyn finds the lower leg of their pal Zeke.  SR: SSSSS

N       .  Ali’s eaten up corpse drops out before Abu.  SR: SSSSS

N       .  Hassan is caught and cut in half, left in a pool of his own redness.  SR: SSSSS

N       .  One of the crew feels something on his side and checks on it, revealing red all over his hand.  Through Riddick’s night vision, we watch them eat him like a light snack.  SR: SSSSS

N       .  William gets rammed right through and has his head munched off like a lollipop.  SR: SSSSS

N       .  Riddick slashes one of the creatures up like carving a ham, its guts falling out in a messy pile on the ground between them.  SR: SSSSS

YEAR 1997 directed by pablo parés and hernán sáez

STARRING berta muñiz, pablo parés, hernán sáez

Qs: 13.  AR: SSSSSSSSSS

N       0:06:30.  Bill’s pal Mike has his space violated by the standard alien probe, but not in the standard alien way.  Looking a bit like a key with its grooves and pits, the device cuts a flap in Mike’s chest and pokes around therein for a few seconds, cutting another slit nearby, presumably for more poking around.  Red spatters his face while he writhes and screams.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:10:39.  Mike wakes up after his alien visit and feels something strange on his neck.  He reaches around and comes back with a finger-full of some pink, taffy-like substance.  As he gets up, loads more stretch between the bare skin of his back and the sheets, clumps falling off here and there.  Bill comes to the rescue later with cotton balls and alcohol and dabs the pustules while Mike howls.  Things worsen for Mike in the most terrible way shortly after Bill goes to see what’s happened to Willie, John West’s manager.  A giant bubble has developed on Mike’s belly, quickly growing to the size of an orange, much like filling a balloon.  You can guess what happens next…the blob blows up and a pound or more of much the same pinkish ooze and a new semi-solid substance splatters the walls nearby, streaks of the goop sliding down into piles on the floor, looking a bit like rose-colored shaving foam.  After watching the slime erupt from his body, Mike looks back at himself and sees a clean hole all the way through, much like Death Becomes Her.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:17:35.  A Z confronts Max and backs him up against a door he just shut thanks to half a dozen more on the other side.  Extracting his favorite pen, Max stabs the offending Z in the left eye, a spurt of blood landing on his face.  That he can wash off – what happened to the Z is irreversible.  The entire organ has come out and now sits in his hand, still connected by a foot or so of optic nerve.  The Z stares with his remaining eye at his semi-detached companion.  With no apparent discomfort, he reinstalls the eye as many of his friends storm the fort.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:22:30.  Max tries to formulate a plan with John and Bill to retrieve items in the basement to make a handy acid that they can use against the Zs.  Thinking that maybe if he looked like one of them he could deceive them, get past, secure the items and head back upstairs, things would be great.  What they decide to use for make-up is stomach turning – remember the pink taffy Mike’s back was covered in, that the cyst on his chest exploded with?  Yep.  They actually spread it like skin cream on Bill’s face, hoping that the decaying, gum-colored flesh will stand up to the scrutiny of the walking dead.  On the way downstairs there isn’t a Z in sight.  He gets the things he came for and starts back upstairs.  That’s when the plan comes to a halt.  A Z finds him and spews a green liquid like antifreeze all over Mike’s face, washing the Z flesh off, revealing his own, healthy flesh.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:29:20.  The Zs order pizza – really.  When it gets there, take a wild guess at what they do first – attack the delivery guy.  They cut off his right hand in one slice, red spurting madly from the stump.  They then drag him inside and stab him to death, spirals of red reaching up to the ceiling and covering the blade, which the Z heartily licks clean.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:33:10.  A horde of Zs attack Max and tear his shirt off with all intent of eating him alive.  They mysteriously stop however when the apparent new leader – the pizza delivery guy – has a different plan.  Dribbling vomit/pus on Max’s shoe, he continues up the leg and across his chest, splattering all the way, until he arrives at Max’s face.  Then, the real discharge happens.  Summoning a few preliminary gulps, the motherlode surges from its throat all over Max and into his held-open mouth.  It looks like yellow paint, but it’s the very idea.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:38:50.  Bill comes upon a severed hand and miscellaneous gore spread around.  A body lies not far, decapitated and pretty well disassembled.  The parts are lumped together randomly and the head is nowhere to be seen.  Nearby, however, lies a pizza box.  Inquisitive, Bill picks it up and looks inside.  Therein he finds part of the head – the front-most inch or so of the face, eyes and all.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:40:20.  Coming upon Willie, his former manager, John squeezes his head until it cracks, a few ounces of blood splattering at his feet.  When John drops the body, we get to see the extent of the damage – Willie, halfway recognizable as a Z, is little more than a pile of mush.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:43:46.  Bill encounters two Zs in an alley.  One of them is carrying a potted plant that it drops directly before Bill and disrespectfully grinds into the brick with its shoe.  Bill doesn’t cotton to that sort of thing and so goes for one of his hypos, deciding at the last second for an alternate plan.  Drawing a pair of shears, he snips its ears off, the organs and a wash of blood splattering at its feet.  Another Z lingers and must be dealt with.  Looking exactly like the one he just de-eared (I’m convinced it’s the same one), Bill shoves its arm into the exhaust fan of someone’s kitchen and flicks the switch, grinding its arm to goo that splatters into a dish on the stove.  A Z inside comes upon the dish of pureed person and slurps it down like in Bad Taste, belching immediately.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:45:23.  John comes upon the pizza guy on the rooftop of an apartment building.  He’s juggling three brains and giggling to himself (the pizza guy, not John.)  He eventually fumbles and one of the brains goes splat.  What to do with it?  He has an idea.  While two Zs who appropriated his needles and now flank him hold John at bay, he advances with the brain in hand and smears it all over John’s face.  John’s immediate response is to spit on him.  SR: SSSSS

N       “AN OUTDOOR MASSACRE” 0:49:50.  In an outdoor massacre, Max drives a stick into a Z’s neck, goo spurting from the site.  Close by, Bill snaps off a Z’s arm at the shoulder, the poor sap flailing around with his useless arm flapping about.  Shortly after, Max steals a cleaver from another Z and slits his red throat with it.  John sits on one’s head and jams him with a double-dose of their concoction, the same grayish liquid the others spat out as they died issuing forth.  Bill meanwhile didn’t have to look far for another Z to thrash.  He found one with a pair of fake Dracula teeth, the creature flexing them as if to mock Bill.  The latter’s response is to kick the Z squarely in the jewels.  This shocker causes the Z to swallow the teeth, a path we follow down to his gut.  Bill starts to walk away, but the Z, sensing he was a doctor, summons him back to retrieve them.  Bill retrieves them all right – no surgery, no anesthetic, no nothing.  He simply summons his will, draws back his hand and thrusts it into the being’s gut.  A neat shot of the interior of the Z stomach follows along with a bloody spurt and the fake teeth.  In all this, what’s Max been up to?  He welcomes a Z to charge him at which point he throws him down and stabs him multiple times in a vicious and bloody frenzy with his click-pen.  Somebody off-screen hands him, for whatever reason, a glass of water.  Can you guess what happens?  Straight out of a Daffy Duck cartoon, the liquid comes predictably spewing out from the several holes Max punched in him.  Elsewhere, John yanks a Z down from a tree and snaps him in half over his leg like kindling.  Things kick into high gear with a barrage of mutilations: Bill snips a Z’s tongue off; Max stabs a Z in the ear with his pen; John squeezes a Z until he pukes up his guts; Bill yanks a Z’s leg off; John tears a Z’s entrails out of his chest; Max hacks into a Z’s leg; John knocks a Z’s head off with one punch; Bill brings a Z down and digs his guts out of his body with his bare hands; Max jams a pipe into a Z’s stomach, ooze spurting from the open end.  After all this mayhem, only one remains: the pizza guy.  Bill holds him down and gets ready to do him in, but Max requests special permission for revenge.  Standing over him, Max gags himself and throws up all over his face in total retaliation for the spit-up episode earlier at 0:33:10.  Unfortunately for Max, he springs up, snatches Bill’s needle and sticks it in Max’s leg.  Bill, in a fit of rage, grabs his trusty hedge clippers and saws him to the ends of the earth and back.  As Bill walks through the carnage, a Z spurts black from his forehead while another spurts red from the stump of his arm.  SR: ããããã

N       1:00:40.  Sadly for all left alive, John turns.  After fighting with Bill for a short while, a government agent blasts his head clean off his shoulders.  It’s my hypothesis that somewhere in the interim between this and PZ2: Mutant Zone, the government replicated John’s DNA and regenerated his body for use in fighting off the results of their atrociously out-of-hand alien experiment.  SR: SSSSS

N       1:01:49.  Agents arrive and inspect the damage.  We get a quick pan across a destroyed body, gobs of unidentifiable organs and parts mangled beyond recognition cover the grass.  An agent in a biohazard suit scoops up a cup of the glop from under a hat, presumably to study the changes the alien virus wrought on the unwilling subject’s body.  SR: SSSSS

N       Stay tuned after the credits for a quick random bit with Bill.  J

YEAR 2005 directed by pablo parés and hernán sáez

STARRING berta muñiz, pablo parés, hernán sáez

Qs: 16.  AR: SSSSSSSSSS

N       0:01:04.  A slide show detailing the “problem” leads to a test subject who, in the space of 9 frames, deteriorates completely into a lump of blackened flesh.  Another couple shots follow of various other unfortunates and the transformations they underwent.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:08:32.  Max pops out of one of two body bags dropped off by contamination suit-wearing men in a white panel van.  He looks like one would expect – a ragged, bloody mess.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:11:10.  Let the blood fly – in direct defiance of Max’s cocksure plan, the Zs saw them and starting causing trouble.  Max head-butts one and then turns on another, grabbing hold of his left arm and swinging it around like a crank on a jack-in-the-box.  While John and Bill are whupping Zs otherwise, Max twists to tatters the shoulder of the Z, eventually putting his foot on what remained and pulling until the arm yanked free.  Immediately after, John reaches through the neck of another and pulls out his spinal cord, twitching and red.  Bill pulls a Z in half and Max uses the muscles of the Z arm to torment another Z by moving the fingers and doing Three Stooge sorts of things – eye pokes, nose grabs, etc.  He uses the arm next to jam down the throat of another, maintaining pressure even as gallons of green ooze bubbles up from around the hand shoved firmly into its mouth.  While that Z vomits all over himself, John gets the life ripped out of his back.  Max comes to his aid with – you guessed it – the arm and knocks it out.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:16:10.  The house they enter (we don’t immediately know whose) had bodies littered all about the kitchen.  One is slumped against a wall, torn in half, head and left foot missing, guts spread about, blood everywhere.  Another one is thrown over the top of a cabinet next to the refrigerator while a third lies on the counter, head hanging back into the sink.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:16:40.  Max does to a Z what everyone wants to do to that salesman who puts his foot in the door – force it shut on it.  Blood gushes and Z screaming ensues.  He limps back to the van and the child he was terrorizing, reappearing with his toy in one hand and his leg in the other.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:19:55.  I had reservations if I wanted to talk about this…  Bill encounters on a deserted road a Z.  This one is special, different from the rest.  His face is a mess, as expected: missing left eye, general gory Z damage elsewhere.  However, what’s different is he holds the business end of his exposed entrails outward like he planned on doing something with it.  He does – he shoots excrement all over Bill’s face for several seconds, apparently enjoying it.  When the flow dries up, Bill seizes the moment and the free end of the Z’s guts and unspools them like thread from a reel.  He then ties the offending Z to a pole with his own viscera, saving a few yards for himself.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:20:58.  Max pokes morbidly at a fallen Z with a stick, squishing it around in its neck.  Another, looking a bit like John Lennon to me, follows, a random limb visible right frame.  The third body he passes by appears to have an arm (his?  Somebody else’s?) jutting out of its mouth.  The fourth, a body Max encounters, is a chap who looks like he dove headfirst off of a building, a substantial splat pattern around his head, brains and goo everywhere.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:24:24.  The action is off-screen, but the effects are on.  Max sees a Z up the street and tells John he can handle it.  Screaming (enthusiastic on Max’s part) and squishing precede a blood wave that washes over John, Max calmly walking back into frame as if nothing happened.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:26:32.  Zs fall upon and tear apart Bill’s short-time sewer pal.  Blood spatters him as he stands helpless, the hand with the disk and the map he talked about landing at his feet.  Not one to have to be told things twice, Bill picks up the hand (disk firmly gripped) and leaves the area.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:28:00.  Things get messy when the guys find bamboo rods and have a lot of Zs to take care of.  Bill gets a memorable one right off the bat, ramming one of the longer rods up through a Z’s sensitive area and out his head, the top half bobbing about on top like a spinning plate in a circus act, pus and goo spitting out all over.  He yanks the rod out and swings for the fences with the now detached top of the head, getting a fair distance with it.  While John is trying his best to understand the feverish gesticulations of an apparently friendly Z, Max jams a rod through another’s chin and out the top of his head, ripping it off to retrieve the weapon.  Later, called by Bill, Max rams two rods through the eyes of another before responding.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:39:00.  Bill finds a man holding his hedge clippers from the original.  Unable to get it started and not having the time to fiddle with it, John snaps the blades off and uses them by themselves to sever a couple heads from their bodies.  SR: SSSSS

N       0:58:20.  John comes across a photo he recently autographed for Max II.  Shortly after, he finds what remains.  Max II is thoroughly destroyed: all limbs are torn free and shredded like Parmesan cheese; intestines are strung about the head and the eyes appear to be missing, among of course the outrageous amount of blood and gore otherwise present.  SR: SSSSS

N       1:00:00.  John comes to the window after hearing screaming and realizes it’s Max, being eaten on by two Zs.  Notice something curious here: he’s missing his right arm and the limb nearby is supposed to be his.  But look closer – it’s a left hand and thus a left arm.  It can’t be his.  SR: SSSSS

N       1:10:14.  A pile of organs (the usual intestines and it appears to be the stomach too and maybe the heart) are dined upon by a lone Z.  SR: SSSSS

N       “THE ORDER TO ATTACK” 1:16:15.  The order to attack is given by the leader of a group of rebels (human rebels), all armed to the teeth.  Throats are slashed left and right, heads are lopped off and one Z gets punched straight through the head, his assailant’s fist emerging from the other side.  Later, in a tiff between Max and John, the latter steps on the former’s head, blood pouring from his screaming mouth.  Back at the war zone, another gut is slit open, blood spurting on the wall.  Another rebel jams his sword in a fallen Z, columns of black nastiness spiraling upward from it.  Yet another rebel tears the face off of yet another Z, the latter realizing he had a problem and had to put his face back, closing it back onto his head like the cover of a book.  The leader distributes knives (for whatever reason) and the chaos continues.  Another head gets knocked off and another gut gets ripped through from front to back just before a head gets ripped open, the exposed brain spat upon.  A rebel cuts the eye out of a Z’s head while one of his pal’s rips open completely another’s arm, blood gushing.  Look quick at 1:26:28 for a random skinned and severed head.  The war continues…at 1:26:57 the leader rips the skull right out of a Z while a pal of his slashes off the top of another’s head, blood pouring out like a broken water pipe.  Another is thrown against a conc