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YEAR 1985 directed by terry lofton
STARRING rocky patterson, ron queen, michelle meyer
Qs: 8. AR: SSSSSSSSSS
N 0:03:25. The perpetrator appears in camouflage gear, a black motorcycle helmet and a pneumatic nail gun. The killing starts with a lowest-class pig slob type who gets fired into twice, for starters: once in the chest and the other nailing his right hand to his forehead. The assassin continues to pile pointy rounds into him until his wife arrives to discover the carnage. SR: SSSSS
N 0:11:10. A guy gets shot twice in the chest and once (prepare yourself) in the package. The second guy gets shot twice in the shoulder, which causes him to drop the running chainsaw and slice off his hand – not that it mattered to him at that point. SR: SSSSS
N 0:21:32. The killing continues with a guy getting shot in the chest, his hands nailed together and his shoulder pierced. Shortly after, authorities discover a female nail-ridden body. SR: SSSSS
N 0:37:27. A two-fer, man and woman, nailed while nailing. SR: SSSSS
N 0:50:49. More murder, another double, two guys this time. SR: SSSSS
N 1:02:35. Another two deaths (bodies are really piling up, aren’t they?) except the no-budget thing really comes through and atrociously: the gun is clearly not firing anything whatsoever, and the girl’s “blood” I know for a fact is chocolate syrup. I thought that trick went out of date with the invention of color. SR: SSSSS
N 1:04:25. Man shot to death leans over grill and smokes his stomach – news at 3:15. SR: SSSSS
N 1:14:50. Another pair of senseless killings – this one favors slaying by the set, doesn’t (s)he? SR: SSSSS
N People who have managed to see this might wonder why there isn’t a snug spot for it on the Worst Movies list. It is a bad movie, a terrible one, but what really costs a movie and lands it on the list, the gravest sin, is trying to be more than one is. A movie that tries to impart style, substance, humor, originality or competency when it’s clear there is none is what does it. Basket Case, The Item, Hellworld and the other five on the list currently tried to be good movies, tried to be different and entertaining – which they weren’t. This movie was nothing more than some joe (or jane) going around with a nail gun, popping people, which was all it tried to be. It didn’t fake being more than that. The offenders on the Worst List, they did and paid the price.
YEAR 1991 directed by david cronenberg
STARRING peter weller, ian holm, julian sands
Qs: 7. AR: SSSSSSSSSS
N 0:34:54. Workers at Hans’ operation grind up gigantic centipedes for processing into the infamous powder. Hans himself jabs a centipede segment with a very unkind sword and sniffs it, reveling in the scent whilst gore drips. SR: SSSSS
N 0:56:53. Lee, having unwittingly brought an enemy agent into his house, watches as his Clark Nova repeatedly bites awful chunks out of (Ian’s) Martinelli. All the while the machine explains to Bill what’s going on, he’s biting viciously into the Martinelli until it hits the floor, mutilated and dead. SR: SSSSS
N 1:01:30. It’s the most abnormal scene of its kind in the annals of the American cinematic experience. Lee seduces Joan while she works on (Ian’s) Arabic machine, the very notion of the act of writing backwards in a different language taking on a distinctly erotic air. The typewriter morphs first with its keys, turning into something altogether unidentifiable, but evidently pleasurable. The back of the machine morphs into I know you know very well what, the interaction between Joan and Lee continuing and in fact intensifying. The machine then mutates into an ungodly creature, some wholly unnatural beast-thing with recognizable parts of its anatomy analog to their human counterparts. The beast wiggles on Lee and Joan until Fadela interrupts the bizarre liaison. SR: SSSSS
N 1:06:47. At the market, Fadela pries off the exoskeleton from a segment of a giant centipede, tendrils of gore stretching as she detaches them. SR: SSSSS
N 1:14:06. Bill picks up the pieces of the dead, torn-up Martinelli. SR: SSSSS
N 1:34:44. I’m certainly at an indisputable loss to explain this and indeed the entire film, every bit of it. Nonetheless my job is not to understand (which is good, because I don’t see how anyone can) but to report the gore, which I shall do. In an elaborately oversized bird cage, Yves and Kiki carry on in something appearing like it’s out of Jason Goes to Hell or someone’s very darkly twisted fantasy: Yves is a many-legged creature, some hybrid derivation of a centipede and a human, and has two of his legs embedded in Kiki’s torsioned face, both unnatural countenances contorted in ways that escape me to comprehend, something bordering on pleasure by inflicting pain. You’ll have to see it and even then it won’t make sense. SR: SSSSS
N 1:39:20. When Bill gets back his Clark Nova, he discovers how cruelly tortured it was, bleeding from everywhere, its wings torn, signs of suffering very evident until it breaths its last and starts to smoke from around its “lips,” eventually giving up the ghost at Bill’s feet. SR: SSSSS
N 1:42:02. I wonder: does the formation on the wall behind Bill look like a human skull in profile, or is it just me?
N Upgraded a shade to 3 from 2.4 because of…everything. There's no explaining it and it's possibly the most celebrated, outlandish expression of meaninglesness in the world. Of course, then again (email your flak on the Bloody Intro page), David Cronenberg seems disposed toward the meaningless: Spider was meaningless; Videodrome was meaningless and Scanners bordered on meaningless. David seems to have an off-and-on problem of his films lacking cohesion, a solid message. Videodrome in particular didn't seem to know where to go and Scanners didn't end up where it was headed, I believe. Nevertheless, he is an influential man and I do admire that.
YEAR 1994 directed by oliver stone
STARRING woody harrelson, juliette lewis, tommy lee jones
Qs: 14. AR: SSSSSSSSSS
N 0:04:30. Things get ugly at a roadside diner. It’s not clear what, but Mallory does something to a flirty sort that casts a red spray across the counter. Mickey causes some trouble of his own, cutting off the finger of a man and then slicing up his chest like Zorro. While Mallory continues to pummel the poor sap she had around, Mickey blows the brains out of a cleaver-wielding chef. For their last acts, Mickey knifes a guy through a window and Mallory hops up and down on the flirty sort she just beat to death. Just before they leave, Mickey shoots the waitress and Mallory encourages the last man standing to tell, when asked who did it, “Mickey and Mallory Knox did it.” SR: SSSSS
N 0:36:15. Jack kneels down by the eager boy Mallory had and picks a hair from his mouth. In the shot we see substantial blood spatter and the approximate location of the exit wound. SR: SSSSS
N 0:44:01. For a few quick frames you can see a decapitated body moving around as if it had a head, the bloody neck proof to the contrary. SR: SSSSS
N 1:17:32. The headless, bloody body stands up. SR: SSSSS
N 1:26:30. Men drag a bloodied guard into the laundry room and stuff him in a washer. SR: SSSSS
N 1:27:55. Things get complicated in prison after his interview when Mickey gets hold of a pump-action. Blowing several people away immediately, Mickey cold-cocks with the butt of the gun a guard who sasses him before breaking several of his fingers, bending them straight back. SR: SSSSS
N 1:32:20. Remember what happened to the poor sap that tried to seduce Mallory in the diner? Jack evidently doesn’t or somehow thinks he’s exempt. He puts the moves on her; she puts the hurt on him. Kicking him around in the cell for a while, Mallory hurls obscene remarks until guards break in. One whacks her across the face with his billy club and later sucker-punches her in the gut with the stock of his rifle. At some point in the melee, Jack’s nose was broken, red running down his face. He was very unhappy about that and seized a guard’s mace, proceeding to spray Mallory heavily directly in the eyes for quite a while until Mickey arrives. Everybody in the room dies instantly, Mallory and Jack escaping the crossfire. After a brief Mexican standoff, Mickey appears to stand down. He was doing so only because Mallory stands up behind him, whips his head back and stabs him in the neck with what I’m guessing is a nail file, something sharp at any rate. He chokes on his blood while Mickey trains his pump-action on him. It’s dry, but Mallory’s piece isn’t. SR: SSSSS
N 1:38:07. Throats are slit in assembly-line fashion, a catchy chanting in the background. SR: SSSSS
N 1:39:43. Wayne’s crew and producer are gunned down, holding hands ‘til the end. SR: SSSSS
N 1:41:48. Mickey tries to threaten his way to freedom with Cavanaugh, already a bloody mess. Citing the obvious, that he was already dead, McClusky issues the order to fire and, obviously, Mickey steps aside and Cavanaugh takes all the lead. Mallory gives it a try with Wayne as her pawn of choice. Asking him to put his right hand up, she coolly blows a hole through it. (I think it’s interesting to note here that Mallory, Juliette Lewis, was also in, among other things, From Dusk Till Dawn in which the same thing happened to Quentin Tarantino.) SR: SSSSS
N 1:42:31. On Mickey and Mallory’s journey to freedom, we enter The Green Room, an emerald-tinted slaughterhouse in which it’s painfully clear many men lost their lives. We’re introduced to one immediately, swinging from the rope he was hung with, damage of some kind visible on his chest, red all around. Blood smears cover the walls and spatter the floor, most of the people who now occupy it looking roughly the same. Another body hangs from the same wall Mal leans up against, the bloody-handed Wayne pacing about aimlessly. SR: SSSSS
N 1:47:12. It’s open season on prisoners and seven armed guards take out their share before the onslaught overpowers even them. The cornered McClusky climbs the bars and makes his last stand with a can of pepper spray. He is torn down and ripped apart limb from limb like in a George Romero movie. His head is put on the end of a broom and flaunted like a scepter in a parade. SR: SSSSS
N 1:53:10. Mickey and Mallory fill Wayne full of holes for a solid twenty seconds. SR: SSSSS
N 1:54:38. Various macabre images flicker past, most of a blood-soaked Mickey. SR: SSSSS
N Upgraded from a perfect 6.0 to 7 for obvious reasons. J
N worst movie #7 N (tied with Nekromantik 2)
YEAR 1987 directed by jörg buttgereit
STARRING daktari lorenz, beatrice m., harald lundt
Qs: 8. AR: SSSSSSSSSS
N 0:02:40. The husband with the wife with the bladder problem are in a terrible wreck. The car is totaled and totally covered in blood, the driver definitely dead, his left eye resting on his cheek, the wife not immediately seen. That is until we pass the shattered back window and find…half of her, some organs settled by the severance point. Later, 0:05:11, the clean-up crew arrives, posts their death sign and begins by scooping up the woman’s organs and putting them in a trash bag, her torso (all that’s remaining) in another. A third worker cuts into the car via the driver’s door. The first thing done to the man inside is that his eye’s collected and then the rest of his corpse is removed SR: SSSSS
N 0:09:29. The gore man arrives home and instantly we get an idea that this guy isn’t quite right. Flanking the focus of the shot are two jars, one that looks to contain a stack of human eyes and another a heart. He moves them, lowers another jar into frame, and plops the man’s severed eye therein. First it sinks, but in due order it rises to the occasion. Next, we see what appears to be a stillborn fetus with miscellaneous tissue floating at the top. We next have a detached hand, another eye added to the previously pickled pack and then what is definitely a heart, most likely the woman’s as she was quite open to the elements at the scene earlier. All this while cheery, sunny music plays overall. Now, exactly what kind of sicko you have to be to do this I’m not sure, but you must have more than a few screws loose, like most of the parts that go with the machine in the first place. SR: SSSSS
N 0:12:30. The next sequence show us that his wife is just as messed up as he is. We see her wet, naked foot playing with the chain on the tub stopper. The water looks uncomfortably dark and any suspicions as to why are either laid to rest or gruesomely confirmed as ensuing footage shows blood streaks running down the sides of the tub, her fondling foot sliding around amidst the streaks, turning them to wet smears before plunging back in the reddened water. SR: SSSSS
N 0:15:30. Want to see a cute, fluffy bunny rabbit get whacked on the skull hard with a stick, then have its throat slit and watch blood pour for what seems like forever? Then, do you want to see it get its fur pulled up over and off of its face like removing a jumpsuit? Its paws are then cut off as one would wittle a stick and then its eyes cut out like trimming a bad spot from an apple, all this while our gore guy cuts on a human corpse. It’s not nearly as arresting as the animal footage which continues as the rabbit is slit open from gullet to groin and immediately divested of its several handfuls of organs while Lord only knows what is being extracted from our human pal. Some people, I’m aware, wouldn’t rate this scene a five because they’ve done just the same or much more grotesque, like a full-size deer or black bear, but while I’m not a vegetarian, I’m not a hunter either simply because I could not do what they do; I simply don’t have the stomach for it. When it’s fake or on film, otherwise not on the table before me, I can take anything, but when it gets personal, that’s when I draw the line. SR: SSSSS
N 0:42:12. This man knows no limits. He puts a newly acquired cat in a bag (literally) and while he burns his love’s photograph, he beats the animal to death against every surface in the place, then keeps its body above his tub. We see later that the substance dripping down its tail was its blood, drawn by cutting it open with a pocketknife, left in place. He gets up for a moment to withdraw the blade so he can procure handfuls of its organs, which he proceeds to rub lasciviously all over his face and neck repeatedly. SR: SSSSS
N 0:48:36. In the film within a film, there’s a more or less standard body in the tub, freshly killed from the looks of it. SR: SSSSS
N 0:54:45. Our hero’s dream girl brings him what every boy wants for Christmas – his very own severed head. They play catch with it while running through a meadow, laughing and enjoying themselves. Things take a wicked turn when the head somewhere along the way transformed into a pile of gore that’s thrown about with much glee. SR: SSSSS
N 1:01:07. After a disgusting dalliance in a cemetery, there’s a Peter Jackson-style gag when a man’s noggin is sliced in half with a shovel, blood and gagging (from where?) pouring. SR: SSSSS
N During the finale, as if it hadn’t gone far enough before, the film gets extremely disgusting, containing things I’m nowhere at liberty to discuss here and which are, suffice to say, distinctly gross. This film is borderline soft-core porn and more than enough to get an X rating I would think, if only from its ideas. It’s graphic, gross and gratuitous in ways I shall yearn to forget. All in all, this is an “avoid” movie for all but the most unwell audience. Upgraded two points to 6 based exclusively on its wildly perverted notions and notable “disturb” factor.
N worst movie #8 N (tied with nekromantik 1)
YEAR 1991 directed by jörg buttgereit
STARRING monica m., mark reeder, lena braun
Qs: 5. AR: SSSSSSSSSS
N 0:12:05. Our girl peels the sheet off of the strangely jellified corpse of ol’ Rob. SR: SSSSS
N 0:16:47. Lovergirl strokes the jellied hand of her dearly departed. She then plants one on him, despite the anomalous blood trickling down his cheek. I’ll be honest: here, my first thoughts were “why is there blood? WHY is there BLOOD?” Even if one’s been underground just a few days, there’s no run-off like that… Anyhow, she starts to unbutton his shirt (who buried him in a coffin in the bloody clothes he died in?), his chest still strangely red. Maybe the chronology’s different. Maybe he was just down there an hour. SR: SSSSS
N 0:51:09. Our girl takes a saw and, with her beau in the tub, proceeds, lovingly, to saw off his left hand. She quickly finds out that though he’s dead, it still takes some time to remove it, but remove it she does, placing it in a blue bag for safekeeping, before cutting off his head, which, by all rights, took longer and was considerably gruesome. She fondles the coagulated blood at the stump before placing the head in the bag along with his hand. She then proceeds to saw him clean in half, scooping out the organs like one would a jack o’ lantern, placing them in the same bag, much blood and guts slopped about in the tub, the gore disturbingly realistic. SR: SSSSS
N 1:22:36. Brace yourself for some seal gore as two choice individuals hack up one’s corpse. One makes cuts toward the end while the other slices up its flipper and then into the body, the flesh splitting much further than the width of the blade. Next, the creature’s neck is slit open and held wide like a purse whilst the owner rifles through the contents. They then proceed to all but peel the flesh off the skull, the dead teeth bared in the inverted head all the while. The throat then is cut out and the head is completely skinned, the obviously sensitized group eating pizza all the while. Had I some, I might have joined them, which I think says something, but moving on the skull is removed entirely and the cameraperson moves around to get a good eyes-on shot. After it’s declared nothing more can be done with it, it’s begrudgingly discarded and the table in its place is covered with the animal’s blood. At 1:27:31, we pick up where we left off after charming Mark drops by. Somewhere, somehow, between the time we paused it and then replayed it, extensive work had been done to the corpse and the table is now covered in gore. The ribs are visible right-frame and a flipper still hangs on to the shell of the body it once functioned with. At 1:27:48 we’re treated to a lovely intestines shot while the men do something with a section of it, marking it maybe. Afterwards the gutted corpse is slid down the bloody table and into a disposal chute. SR: SSSSS
N 1:37:14. When you’re a necrophiliac and you’re having sex with someone who’s alive, it doesn’t have the same scintillating quality. Therefore, the live one you’re pumping needs to be dead for the trick to work. Enter a meat cleaver. Our Rapunzel brings one out and vicously slices off the head of her active companion, blood spewing everywhere. SR: SSSSS
N I didn’t really get the story of this one because after the first few minutes I realized keenly what I was dealing with and thus sped up playback to 8X and held it there until someone bled. Then I played it, recorded the gore, hit FFW again. I’d never have guessed it was possible, but this one managed to be even more irrelevant than the first. I appreciate blood and gore where it is, but meaningless, totally excessive and graphic sex just never did it for me and this sorry flick is no exception. I rarely watch a movie just once, but even that many times was too much for this. I care about the B & G, which I’ve harvested as you’ve seen. That’s the limit of my interest for dreck of this kind and I don’t care to see Nekromantik 3, should, God forbid, it ever come out.
YEAR 1987 directed by terence h. winkless
STARRING robert lansing, lisa langlois, franc luz
Qs: 6. AR: SSSSSSSSSS
N 0:16:28. It’s the roaches’ first kill. A poor canine that got too close to the action was nigh on skeletonized, stripped to the bones, sundry organs remaining. At 0:25:03, we have another graphic shot of the ravaged body wherefrom Dr. Hubbard extracts a rib for study. SR: SSSSS
N 0:21:00. The beginning of the end comes for ol’ Jake. After several fruitless attempts at blowing away a rat, the hitherto unseen horde advances. Cowering under the covers like a six-year-old, Jake is fresh meat for the multitudinous creatures – who converge, engulf and devour. Blood spatters on his former white long johns are only the start. Before long, it’s a fool and his arm are soon parted – and then dragged to safety and privacy for a long meal. SR: SSSSS
N 0:28:00. Animal rights activists and cat lovers turns away – in one of the god-awful-est experiments in a while, a Schrödinger’s Cat of sorts is released right into the path of the voracious swarm – and its thrashing body quickly paints the inside of the Plexiglas box a gruesome red. SR: SSSSS
N 0:46:18. Homer pokes around at Jake’s, trying to wake him up. We’ve all seen this trick before – what lies beneath but Jake’s eaten face, lips and eyes gone. SR: SSSSS
N 1:14:10. The reanimated Elias emerges on the scene and the gore really hits the fan – with spots on his chest starting to tear open as the creature within broke out, it’s horribly obvious to Elizabeth that her father is indeed gone and has in fact become something monstrous. A fleshless, gory foot and leg lifts itself out of his shoe and, when his left eye is forced from his head, steps on and squashes the organ, this after mean-looking pincers tore out of his mouth. After a while all of his clothes (and flesh) have dropped off, leaving a gruesome form vaguely resembling a man lurching toward Elizabeth. She fumbles with his shotgun and the shells, eventually getting it together and blasting his left arm to smithereens, landing a shot shortly after left of center on his abdomen. Unimpeded and unhappy, the mutant continues heading toward Elizabeth, but never gets a chance to take a bite – she blasts her ex-father’s head in a slimy splat, finally killing the horrible thing. SR: SSSSS
N 1:21:28. Some hideous it-creature looking like a walking tragic mistake appears within uncomfortable range of Dr. Hubbard. After it seizes her, one of its limbs rips off one of hers. The thing then bites her head in half with its pincers, putting to rest any real chance of her making it. SR: SSSSS
N Upgraded to 3 from 2.4 for the high camp and irresistible creepy thrills. J
YEAR 1997 directed by mark pavia
STARRING miguel ferrer, julie entwisle, dan monahan
Qs: 8. AR: SSSSSSSSSS
